Double Standard

I've taken the weekend to think on this post at length, so understand that as I write this, it's not coming from a place of anger or malice, but rather from a place of thought and reflection. I've chosen my words carefully after much deliberation.

I've titled the post, in my opinion, aptly.

This weekend opened my eyes to yet another step of this TTC process: How those closest to you react to your negativism when you have failed to become a member of their exclusive club called "motherhood".

I'm realizing, maybe now more than ever before, the ridiculous double standard that infertile couples, women in particular, are held.
It's perfectly acceptable for woman to react positively when a friend or family member announces a pregnancy. It's expected that you're to cue over a newborn baby and fawn all over the new mother. However, when an infertile woman refuses to be shoved into some arbitrary mold that society has told her is the normal response to such situations, she's easily labeled as "selfish" , "bitchy" , "heartless" , and a slew of other words that basically say the same thing: "how dare you be upset?"

Mothers do not relate to me as an infertile woman, and I, as an infertile woman, do not relate to mothers. Motherhood is like an exclusive little club where all the members expect non-members to be understanding towards them. Yet, when the tables are turned, women who have never had issues with their fertility tend to have a lack of sympathy and compassion toward those trying so desperately to achieve what they already have.

During this journey I have learned that if I want to keep my "friends", I have to hide my feelings. Because if I slip up, even once and actually let them see how much I'm dying inside, I get called selfish, even by those closest to me including some family members.
How dare I be upset when I'm surrounded by pregnancy and infants? Heaven strike me down for getting emotional when the one thing I want is thrust in my face?
Granted, there are a handful of people in my life who have been nothing but supportive, and I have met some amazing women on this journey who I can relate to. But I've also disconnected with friends because of it. Friends who can not see things from my side at all and think I'm being totally unreasonable to get upset.

Some days are better than others. Some days I can smile with the rest of them . . . but there are times that I don't want to, nor do I feel like I should have to hide my feelings from the people I'm closest to.
I need a support system, though I'm finding that difficult to achieve when I can't even show my true feelings to my friends without them discussing my "attitude" behind my back.

I always thought that your friends were the people who you could go to for support, who would be there for you to hold you when you cry and cry with you.

Apparently I was mistaken.